i love pot. i think because it makes me feel social. and its hard admitting that.
i find myself while when getting stoned, thinking about the people i usually get stoned with, not things weve done, but instead the conversation i would be having with them in my head. until im able to emulate their opinions enough that i can bounce my ideas off of them and hear instant feedback without them needing to be there. and this has been reoccurring, i don't quite understand it. when im infatuated with new people one of the first qualities i notice, that i like, that i pick up on first, is my inner monologue will be narrated by their voice with their accent. those people are the people i talk to most when im high and alone. which is weird because its usually almost nothing like the conversation that occurs in real life. its usually the conversations in my head are, if our level headed relationship is funny and sarcastic, our high in my head conversations are deep and philosophical, if our normal conversations are loving and happy our high in my head conversations are aggressive and hurtful. except in the case of, Shauna. and im going to phrase this in a way that perhaps only ill understand but its not like anyone reads this blog anyway, our normal started out funny and sarcastic, and our high stayed their, and our friendship progressed in natural phases high or not, throughout our level times and our high times. and that, was awesome.
Shauna is the last last of my friends from an era in my life which was hopefully the low part, summary: i worked at del taco, i drove a mustang, i had two best friends that were married to each other, and one online friend that decided one day to move to California and in with me without much of a warning in fact i hadnt spoken to the person for the month prior to him getting on a plane. i went to bed one night, woke up to the frantic call on a land phone in a time before cell phones, of Angel telling me “stephen” was moving here and we had to go to LAX to pick him up. i never felt so strongly in my life that that was absurd and their was no way in hell i was going to, i told her No. a few hours later we went to baja taco, and it was their that we decided, ok lets just hit the road and do it. so we did. my car never made it to LAX i blew my front gasket somewhere near the 710 , spent all day at a mobil station two blocks away from where the LA Riots had been some ten years prior at that time, and it appeared the city had yet to recover. Watched a crack head snort crack all day on a bus stop where a bus never arrived, in a
“Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles” parking lot across the street from the mobile. it was a fantastically horrible day one of which im still surprised i remember the details on. worse came to worse we had no way out of LA so we had to call my mother and her husband to get us, they agreed, by the time they arrived it was like 9pm, we finally got to victorville around 11 or midnight, we got to my house because Larry my mothers man bitch was not going to drive angel the extra eleven miles to her house and drop her off, he was angry, and on the way up during the drive was only speaking about how he “could just kill me” he stormed in the house ripped my dsl modem out of the wall in my room, the Internet i was paying for and declared it was now his (this was a big deal since at the time dsl was still new and cool) since he had to get me and my friends out of compton, i protested, and he lunged forward and began choking me in front of my mother and friends. i remember screaming something to the effect of “hes choking me” and it being all i could say. i was really pissed at the time that my friend zak, angels husband, the only male there, the only male in my life at the time, did nothing to try to help me. i understand, i understood then that he really shouldnt have tried to step in, i was more pissed at the fact that my only person in my life that could be there for me, couldn't, and the realization that i had no one, in the despair of, loosing my car, being choked, realizing i was alone was what hurt the most and changed my outlook on life that day. the police were called, and that night i listened to my mother comfort her husband saying “oh it will be alright shes just dumb” thru the wall of our apartment, and yet offered no comfort to me, she knew then that we didnt have a relationship conducive to that, but it was then that she, having witnessed her her daughter be attacked, could have stepped up and tried to apologise, that did not come for a year. not that an apology at any time would have mattered, she played her cards that night, i was done with her prior to that incident, that night confirmed it, and we havent spoken since. the next day i went to work at 7 am, putting on a good show for the drive thru, all the while thinking about how i was going to get out of my living situation. the next day i bought an RV, and moved into it where i lived for a bit over a year. in it i sang, smoked a lot, and re found what it meant to just, be me, i stopped caring about trying to find someone or ever just be more than alone, i literally gave up, but not in a lethargic way, i was still trying to better myself i just wasnt focused on trying to waste my time with people and their bull shit. during this time i spoke heavily to a boy who lived in barstow but i never alowed him the time of day to know me in real life until one day i was just like fuck it “ive got nothing to loose” and did. it was soon after that, his family found out about my story, (im not sure how since i wasnt the one who told them, since i dont ever tell people my sob stories) felt sorry for me, and literally forced me, in the nicest way possible, to move in with them. at that point i just wanted a break, so i transferred my hesperia del taco job to a apple valley job and began living in barstow and commuting to apple valley. matt and i finally got married but not because he asked, but because his mother started planing the wedding and we just followed along. i was on this war path of thinking nothing really matters, we all just die one day, you struggle until one day it hurts less, so i didnt put up a fight, i wanted an easy life, i wanted to be taken care of for once, in my naive head, thats what being married meant. so at that point i was married, i wasnt married to my best friend, i was married to my only friend. i only knew him, i only saw him, i was miserable and too dumb to realise it. during this time i gained 80 pounds which put me well over 305, im sure i was diabetic, and i had a menstruation cycle that began febuary 2nd 2009 and ended may 2010. i was very unhealthy, mentally and physically. and thats when i met Shauna. when i decided i needed to change the rut i was in and return to school. Shauna made me remember who i was before i was running away from me.
ive been living too fast lately. i just want to enjoy how much i love my life now, slower, beacuse i rushed thru so much of it already, a quarter of my life is gone and i dont want to run anymore. which may be why it hurts so much to watch her move away, the purpose she served for the time period she entered my life is something she’ll never understand and one ill never be able to articulate, but Thank You. you have no idea, i love you so much. thank you for returning my vision, and my motivation to try new experiences again. thank you for letting me see what is there, while questioning what isnt.
